http://darlingmagazine.org/curing-the-deadly-disease-of-online-envy/

Curing the Deadly Disease of Online Envy

January 31, 2013 by Kelly Sommer

It seems like just about everyone is taking center stage to engage the social world for lighthearted cyber play. After all, Facebook alone has more than one billion users—one seventh of the earth’s population! Twitter, MySpace, Blogger and Instagram are a few other popular platforms that have skyrocketed online communication…and for the better, right?
For someone like me with family and friends overseas, social networks provide a medium to swap photos and share status stories without a great deal of effort. And although society celebrates the likes of Facebook, in the same breath social media also comes under much criticism: it wastes our time, invades our privacy, and creates narcissistic people. Haven’t we all read countless articles reporting the negative effects of social media, both on individuals and society? We even hear murmurings suggesting that browsing social networks can bring out the green in some of us—fueling negative emotions of jealousy and envy.
In fact, an experiment at Stanford University yielded results revealing that some students felt worse when they thought their friends were having more fun than they were. Additionally, another study discovered that those who battle with envy in the context of social media typically tend to be the same individuals who struggle with measuring themselves to their peers in their day-to-day life.
What about you? Do you spend more time envying the lives of friends on Facebook, or enjoying your own life journey?
If you are allowing these glimpses of others’ cyber existences to get you down, or if you get agitated when someone posts a celebratory status or a photo album highlighting an exotic vacation, it’s possible that you have acquired the key killer of joy: envy. Fortunately, once you’ve self-diagnosed, you can stop blaming the things that contribute to symptoms of envy or jealousy, and take a deeper look at the root cause of your suffering.
Let’s quickly look at what we’re dealing with. Envy is a negative emotion produced by the awareness of the advantage, good fortune or prosperity of others; it can stem from insecurities that negatively affect our perceptions and self-esteem. Envy has enormous potential to cause other conditions: resentment, jealousy, anger, ill will, depression, and bitterness— just to name a few. And what is the eventual prognosis? Discontentment and dissatisfaction, which manifest either towards ourselves or others.
Is there a cure? Certainly, yes! To a large extent, the burden will fall on us to control unconstructive thinking and negative emotions. When you find social media envy creeping up on you, remember Darling’s six C’s to treat online resentments:
1. Compare ourselves to no one. Measuring our good looks, character, brains and achievements to someone else will only prove to be one thing—futile!
2. Don’t Compete. Rivalry with friends, family, or other women will only end in frustration.
3. End Criticism. Criticizing others simply serves to elevate ourselves and thus reveal our own insecurity. Be respectful of the opinions, choices and differences of others. Everyone is entitled to her own opinion, and this doesn’t mean you have to “like” it, agree with it, or for that matter comment on it at all.
4. Beware Covetousness. There will always be someone who seemingly has more or better than us. Celebrate the happiness, acquisitions and accomplishments of others— and of other women especially! Take every opportunity to give positive feedback, or show support. True friends openly express joy for the good fortune of each other.
5. Stop Conjecturing. Avoid judging others or making assumptions based on social media posts. We really don’t know the thoughts and motives of others, and we should not draw conclusions derived from frivolous online chatter. Let’s face it— our interpretation will not always be correct. Try to assume the best in others, rather than the worst.
6. Choose Contentment. To ward off envy, one of the finest remedies is to appreciate and show gratitude for what we do have.
Two things seem clear to me: social media does not create jealous, spiteful, or envious people; but rather, jealousy can be exacerbated by social media. And, when feelings of discontent or resentment are aroused by someone else’s good luck, how we react is up to us!
So the next time you sign-in, be reminded: we can chose to free ourselves from the negative effects of envy. We do this by choosing to be grateful, recognizing our own value, and by rejoicing with others!

“It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.” -Aeschylus

Darling, what is the art of being a woman? It begins with celebrating the achievements, joys and blessings of others.
Image via Vanessa Jackman

Time’s Up: Busyness & Balance

January 12, 2013 by Kelly Sommer

Time’s up! There just aren’t enough hours in the day! At what point did we accept, or even worse begin to justify, our false conviction that we need more time. There has always been twenty-four hours in the day—and we can be rather certain this won’t change. The more I consider this simple fact, the more I am convinced: we were never intended to carry out more in a day then the hours we are given.
If you are burning the candle at both ends, it’s essential to determine how much of your busyness is self-inflicted; and to examine to what degree you allow vocational demands, self-imposed ambitions, or social expectations to influence how you live your life. Do these pressures decide your work-life balance, or sanction a life excessively full of unrewarding activity? Or perhaps you unknowingly use busyness to rationalize internal stressors and issues.
You are emphatically not alone if you are a woman who thinks you are always too busy. However, when last did you consider the connection between this and a deeper problem, such as taking on too much, time mismanagement, or disorganization? It seems as though the masses have succumbed to the belief that being busy means we are still in the game, so to speak. A number on your chest in the rat-race of life has become a mark of importance, or perhaps more realistically, of self-importance. Thus, busyness can be a red flag which signals wrong perceptions or unhealthy mindsets.
The pride we take in our hectic schedules and sleepless nights is not a new phenomenon. “Sleep is for wimps!” The “Iron Lady” British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher coined this phrase, boasting to need only four hours of sleep a night. Is it true we women can get by on such little sleep? You wish! On the contrary, the National Sleep Foundation says that sleeping an average of less than seven hours (or more than 9 hours) may well be linked to health risks. There you have it—enough is enough! Most of us know the link between a healthy lifestyle and adequate sleep, yet you hear many women claiming to get much less sleep than what we feel our bodies need. And when we take a look at our waking hours, we see other ways in which we cheat ourselves with time misdemeanors.
Could our tiring schedules be our own fault? Every coffee date, every commitment, and every weekend away is our own decision to make. Our fast-paced contemporary culture doesn’t seem to want to slow down. We have been programmed to multi-task, buzz around, and stay connected 24-7, despite the observable link between busyness and stress. Whether or not it is stress—which becomes debilitating or stress which allows you to thrive—it’s still stress! Rather than viewing busyness and stress as a dysfunctional state, our culture has programmed us to recognize a frenzied existence as a sign of success. The basis for many of us being so busy seems to be our acceptance of this being a societal norm.
An underlying question remains: do any of us know how not to be busy anymore? We marvel at the women today who seemingly do it all, yet find regular gaps in their agenda to do nothing—at least once in a while. Even more, we wonder why we weren’t given the secret recipe.
Do you want to lead a successful and balanced lifestyle? My guess is yes. Success is generally seen as a positive outcome to something we’ve attempted. And a balanced life can be evaluated as one in which our spiritual wellbeing, mental and emotional needs, and physical health (through exercise, food and nutrition) are adequately fed. Let me suggest something new. A lifestyle comprising of admirable work ethic, healthful eating, plentiful exercise, ample sleep—all the while leaving abundant time to engage in fun activities and a display of love and care for your family, friends and the community—and still enough time to feed your own soul and spirit—this is success for the modern woman!
But how do we measure our success without tangible goals? Here’s an easy answer: we cannot! So scrap everything you’ve ever learned about the key to success, and first brainstorm what goals you have for each of these areas in order to nourish your soul, your body and your mind. Once we’ve clarified our objective, how do we set-out to overcome our inner misery of stress and busyness? Here are some things to remember:
- Stay true to your word. What we say with our mouths will impact our perception, thoughts and emotions. So Darling reader, it begins with us. We need to stop moaning about being too busy all the time!
- Identify what is genuinely stealing from our time and energy. Is it worry? Unhealthy habits? A lack of boundaries? All of these have something in common—they drain our energy unnecessarily; but we can overcome each one.
- Define your values. Are you living your values, and does how you spend your time echo these values to the world?

Ingrid's Mediterranean Roasted Veggies

Ingrid’s Mediterranean Roasted Veggie Dish

January 1, 2013 by Kelly Sommer

Let’s talk about healthful dishes for a moment—vegetables! Does your mouth water just thinking about it? If not, it’s time to try this recipe for Mediterranean roasted vegetables. My mother-in-law, Ingrid, shared this recipe with me last year and it’s definitely my favorite dish to prepare for dinner guests.
Ingredients
3 onions
4 sliced tomatoes
1 eggplant
2 medium-size zucchini
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
2 clove garlic, thinly chopped
¼ tsp salt
¼ tsp pepper
Parmesan cheese (optional)
1 can / 1 cup of black olives (chopped or whole, without the pit)
Instructions
Preheat oven to 400? F.
Prepare vinaigrette: mix together equal parts balsamic vinegar and olive oil—adjust according to the size of your vegetable dish (1/4 cup of each will season nicely for this size recipe). Add chopped garlic, salt and pepper.
Slice vegetables: onion, tomato, and eggplant zucchini. Toss vegetables in a bowl to coat with ¼ cup olive oil. Spread on a baking tray. Turn vegetables every 15 minutes while cooking. Bake until crispy. Total cooking time is 45-60 minutes.
Remove from the oven. Drizzle your vinaigrette mixture over vegetables and season with salt and pepper to taste. Top with freshly grated Parmesan cheese and/or black olives – and serve quickly while it’s hot!
This healthy and delicious side dish serves 4. Bon Appétit!
Image via The Boston Globe

From Anonymous

December 23, 2012 by Kelly Sommer

 

Have you ever received an anonymous gift? One such surprise, a delightful arrangement of orange lilies, was delivered to my house with a simple note attached: “Just because you are special, from Anonymous.”
From Anonymous! The mystery became all too much for the Nancy Drew in me to disregard. Even more enchanting—and contrary to my first assumption—was my eventual realization that the bouquet was not from my mother. Without a doubt, this was the most intriguing gift—ever! How does this story end? Well, I won’t leave you hanging. The mystery was solved in time, and the sender’s identity ultimately discovered—I am now married to the sender of those flowers.
Christmas is a time for giving. In fact, a legendary tale rumors that St. Nicholas secretly tossed bags of gold down the chimney of a house belonging to a destitute and desperate father—allowing the penniless man to offer dowries to marry off all three of his daughters. But until recent days, I missed the significance of this celebrated story: St. Nicholas wanted to remain anonymous in his giving and didn’t wish for any acclaim for his good deeds.
Do we, like St. Nicholas, give generously, selflessly and without motivation to receive anything in return? Typically our incentive to give is prompted by anticipation to get something in return. We often desire acknowledgement or appreciation for our efforts. But what happens if we remove our expectation of reciprocity, and our call for recognition? Perhaps anonymous and random acts of kindness allow us to practice bigheartedness with an unadulterated objective.
Possibly you were taught the value in giving in a discreet manner. Even the Bible reminds us not to make a performance of our giving, telling us in a book by Matthew: “When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself…When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively.”
Similarly, as we journey through life, we discover the pleasure in spending our money and efforts on someone other than ourselves. In case you think our joy in giving is somehow lessened when we give without taking credit, try it for yourself and experience the gratification of giving in secret.
Here are 10 cheery holiday-inspired ideas to help you conspire imaginative ways to give covertly this holiday season…
1. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in a line up.
2. Treat your neighbor by leaving goodies on the doorstep, along with an unsigned note.
3. Volunteer to help with the delivery of holiday food parcels for a local charity.
4. Love ordering online? Mail a gift to someone, and do not include your return address.
5. Create care packages to deliver at a nursing home or senior center.
6. Organize a basket with gifts to be delivered to a family in need.
7. Secretly give money to someone who is having a challenging time with finances.
8. Place an encouraging mystery card under the windshield wiper of a friend.
9. Take a poinsettia or floral arrangement to a patient in hospital who needs a visitor.
10. Give toys to a charity such as Santa’s Anonymous, providing presents for children.
Giving in secret is an excellent expression of thoughtfulness, or of your appreciation for someone, devoid of receiving recognition for yourself. It’s my favorite way of giving—and an ideal way to help those in need during the holiday season without leaving the recipient feeling embarrassed, indebted, or obliged to reciprocate.
Above all else, when a gift is given stealthily, there is an element of surprise. A gift which has no “strings” can be exceptionally meaningful. How much money you spend is not what matters. Even a thoughtful note or hand-made gift will convey the message: you are cared about. You might have to be a little sneaky, but what’s important is that in the end we make someone believe they are special.
Christmas time is the perfect opportunity to practice a bit of mystery giving. Be inventive, be generous and be enthusiastic. Just remember to try not to get found out. Be sure to leave no trace it’s from you!

http://darlingmagazine.org/posture-perfect

Posture Perfect

September 4, 2012 by Kelly Sommer

What ever happened to the scholarship of poise, posture and confidence?
I acknowledge that elegance is not a virtue I naturally behold. That being said, I openly confess that I certainly could benefit from attending finishing school, charm school, or any school commissioned to refine my delicacy of character or polish my manners. I am also certain that the outcome would be favorable; but let’s be honest, not miraculous!
In one of my hurried mishaps, I recently plunged myself face-first into a closed glass sliding door. The gentleman sitting opposite the glass, visibly stunned by my Ally McBeal-like calamity, was restrained enough not to laugh as he witnessed my body bouncing off the clean glass with a shocking thud. When I recounted this embarrassing incident to a family member, her only words were: “You’re like a bird.” And by that, she was not implying gracefulness.
Many of us desire to cultivate behavior and lifestyle practices that help us to look and feel our best. But where should we begin? First, let’s consider poise and posture. There is much we can glean from the lost art of poise, and the importance of posture for attractiveness, wellbeing and strength of both body and character. Poise and posture are states of balance or equilibrium; stability in the way we hold ourselves. When we practice good posture, we keep our body in balance. This is the basis for feminine composure. Additionally, poor posture is the culprit of many everyday aches and pains, leaving us vulnerable to injury. Case in point: Proper positioning while sitting at your desk or computer can dramatically reduce tension in your neck and shoulders. We also breathe easier and our blood flows more efficiently when our body is not compressed or misaligned.
Strengthening our core muscles plays an essential role in the development of postural perfection, and can be achieved through regular exercise—pilates and yoga in particular. Postural evaluation is also key. Seek an assessment from a professional, or follow these simple steps to quickly check and improve your posture:
-Stand tall, with head, shoulders and heels against a wall.
-Keep your chest up and out.
-Maintain a small gap behind your neck, and also behind the small of your back.
-Tuck your stomach in, using the stomach muscles to support your body.
-Keep both feet parallel and hip width apart.
-Have your head up, with chin level and parallel to the floor.
-Center your chin over your shoulders—not pushing forward or pulling back.
-Draw back shoulders, then relax them.
With time and practice, your posture can become perfect. You can apply these relevant principles to your upper body when sitting at a table or desk, and commit to carrying yourself with composure. Envision the African women with strength, beauty, and poise: shoulders back and down, head straight, chin up and centered, hips level, arms at equal distances on each side, and ankles straight. You, too, can be that graceful in time.
I’m not suggesting that your next Christmas photo need be one of you sitting on a white high-back chair, wearing a poufy dress with matching gloves, modelling a tiara placed fastidiously in an elegant up do, whilst holding a fan. We can all agree, that day is gone! Just remember that a self-assured woman walks tall and turns heads. Her composure and positive presence radiate confidence and contentment when she enters a room. She is not a debutante; she is simply lovely.
The world says “Strike a pose.” But we at Darling say, “Poise is striking.”

Photo credit: http://pinterest.com/pin/185069865907179812/